Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Kirk Cameron and Other Things But Mostly Kirk Cameron

Here's a photo of Kirk Cameron:

I'll be at Horrorfind next Friday and Saturday (August 31-Septermber 1). Kirk Cameron will not be there. I'm not on the reading schedule and and won't be signing at a table. I also won't be bringing any books to sell because I was too poor and lazy to order them. If you see me wandering around and want me to sign something (it doesn't have to be a book), feel free to ask. I probably won't have a pen or anything either. I will be taking part in a super secret reading on Saturday around 6. Thinking about reading from either Fill the Grand Canyon and Live Forever or Fifty Shades of Grey.

Here's a story I wrote a long time ago featuring the name "Kirk Cameron":


I wake up from a twelve day inhalant bender. My room has been redecorated, a giant poster of Kirk Cameron taped to the ceiling above the bed. I have to piss.

I pull the leaves of wilted lettuce off the toilet seat and discard them in the trashcan. I pull down my underwear, the sight astonishing me. My genitals have become a dry, lumpy mass, something only resembling a penis protruding from the mire. I reach down to seize it delicately between two fingers and it tumbles off into the toilet, a spray of urine shooting everywhere.

I decide I never should have rolled out of bed. Reaching under the sink, I grab a can of spray paint, anxious to huff my way back to sleep.