Books Read 2012
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Books Read 2012
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
I'll be at Horrorfind next Friday and Saturday (August 31-Septermber 1). Kirk Cameron will not be there. I'm not on the reading schedule and and won't be signing at a table. I also won't be bringing any books to sell because I was too poor and lazy to order them. If you see me wandering around and want me to sign something (it doesn't have to be a book), feel free to ask. I probably won't have a pen or anything either. I will be taking part in a super secret reading on Saturday around 6. Thinking about reading from either Fill the Grand Canyon and Live Forever or Fifty Shades of Grey.
I wake up from a twelve day inhalant bender. My room has been redecorated, a giant poster of Kirk Cameron taped to the ceiling above the bed. I have to piss.
I pull the leaves of wilted lettuce off the toilet seat and discard them in the trashcan. I pull down my underwear, the sight astonishing me. My genitals have become a dry, lumpy mass, something only resembling a penis protruding from the mire. I reach down to seize it delicately between two fingers and it tumbles off into the toilet, a spray of urine shooting everywhere.
I decide I never should have rolled out of bed. Reaching under the sink, I grab a can of spray paint, anxious to huff my way back to sleep.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Remember, there is no voting for the cover although all opinions will be read. It's also important to note that the winner receives absolutely nothing for his/her effort. The winning cover will be revealed when the ebook is released by the end of April.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Fill the Grand Canyon and Live Forever will be coming to an ebook vendor or torrent site sometime in April. Here's the description: Social networks can be used for a number of things such as finding out what friends and family members are up to, trying to get girls to take their clothes off on camera, raising awareness, and organizing protests, revolutions, and relief efforts. But what if one man decided to use a social network for one of the most idiotic causes in human history? Join the hopeless and brain damaged Andy Boring in his quest to FILL THE GRAND CANYON AND LIVE FOREVER!!!!
So what we lacked in quantity last week we're making up this week by a bloogmillionth percent. And remember, you have ONE MORE WEEK to send me your awesome. Here are the guidelines. Feel free to follow or completely disregard them. ONE design will be on the ebook cover. ALL designs submitted will be somewhere in the interior of the ebook FORMATTING ALLOWING. That means when the final ebook comes out and it's missing your design, it probably isn't because I hate you, but because I just couldn't figure out how to put it there. Onward...
First is Bradley Sands. I have no idea who this guy is but the talent evident in his cover stings my eyes with its brilliance. The file name was "iwin", the subject of the email was "Contest is over!" and Bradley says, "made with puppy power." I like the part where my quoted nickname(?) is the same as my last name. Talent.
Next is Matthew Revert, author of A Million Versions of Right and The Tumours Made Me Interesting. Revert says he sent this to me "Because William Pauley III really likes you."
Next is Kevin Shamel, author of Island of the Super People and Rotten Little Animals. This was Kevin's third attempt and his tenacity is greatly appreciated. When not writing or designing covers, he's attempting to patent the "double mohawk", a truly awe-inspiring theoretical hairstyle. Kevin says he "stayed up real late last night making it, and it whacked out his whole day..."
Then there was Michael Allen Rose, author of Party Wolves in My Skull. I read this book at the same time I was reading We Need to Talk About Kevin and came to the conclusion that Kevin wasn't a sociopath, he just had party wolves in his skull. Michael says, "Here is an excellent cover for your book. I know you'll use it, because it is excellent, and if we do not strive for excellence, then we fail as excellence-seekers. This is the best cover ever, because it is the best, and therefore, better than all other covers, even if they're better. It's exciting excitement will excite your readers and make them buy your books and rub them all over their bodies, which is always awesome."
Mike Kleine enters the arena with TWO covers, reminiscent of much more intelligent books. Mike says, "the dimensions are a little off and the title is not entirely accurate."
The amazing Sam Reeve sent TWO cover designs all the way from the Ukraine. Sam edits a great thing called Bust Down the Door and Eat All the Chickens. She says, "enjoy." I did.
Next the still lovely and still talented Carrie Hunt, author of Endlessly, has submitted her second piece. She says, "I felt compelled to try again, although I believe the vagina and shovel should win."
Lastly, Justin Grimbol with THREE. The first is called "fill it in." The second is called "fill that bitch up!" and the last one is called "johnny depp." I like what he did there.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Up first this week is Gerd Heilemann. Gerd says, "this is what I did..." and I agree.
Next up is the wonderfully talented Justin Grimbol. As well as being the author of The Crud Masters, he also blogs at His Cock Is Money. Grimbol says, "I like to draw dicks."
Monday, February 13, 2012
This first one is from Joan Defers. She says, "I saw the contest post so I wasted a lunch hour on a cover for you." It is is definitely appreciated. As a bonus, she adds, "The pic I used is from the National Archives, and it's free for commercial use. Not getting threatened with lawsuits rules." Clicking on her name will take you to her blog. It's pretty entertaining stuff.
The next submission is from someone named Andy Adams who says he spent "many tortured hours dragging this artwork up from his soul." This is as NSFW as my blog has possibly ever felt.
And then there was Chris Bowsman who was so enamored with his MSPaint skills that he decided to design both a front and a back cover. He says, "I spelled your name wrong on purpose. That made me laugh a lot."
The final entry this week comes from floor dweller Sam McCanna who says, "Just threw this together. I call it 'A Study in Pooping'." Seems apt. You can buy t-shirts from this creep at Skurvy Ink.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Catch all the crazy Facebook details HERE.
Monday, February 6, 2012
The first is by the lovely and talented C.V. Hunt. She describes it as "Some cover art."
In a virtual creative frenzy, the young unlovely and allegedly talented Josh Myers came up with TWO potential covers. He describes them as "hastily thrown together" and "magnificently crap."
Our final entry for the day is from Nathan Fizilli who says, "I'm not much of an artist, but here is a Highland inspired cover that I made for some reason."
Thanks to everyone who's contributed so far!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The contest will end on March 19 and, hopefully, the book will be live by April 1.
THIS IS THE IMPORTANT STUFF!!! It has to be at least 500 X 800 pixels. Have no idea what that means? Neither do I. Please send .jpg files only!
I'm looking forward to being awash in brilliance!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
The paperback version (same as the digital version except it's made out of paper) of Hi I'm a Social Disease will be available soon. If you would like to order a copy from me, click on the link below. I'll take orders until January 31st. It's 10 dollars (shipping included, please add 5 dollars if you don't live in the US). I'll include a handwritten page ripped from the manuscript of Satanic Summer and probably a really stupid drawing in the book. BUT MAKE SURE TO LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT IT PERSONALIZED. Otherwise it will just be signed.
BUY HI I'M A SOCIAL DISEASE