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Friday, May 9, 2008

The Kingdom

Today, at lunch, I went through the Burger King drive-thru and the speaker lady said, "Welcome to The Kingdom." I wondered what she meant. Did she mean that Burger King was The Kingdom? But she welcomed me to it and I was just sitting in my car. Maybe the parking lot was The Kingdom? I thought about this all the way home and wondered if, maybe, everywhere was The Kingdom. This thought made me happy so I put on my weird Iron Man sunglasses that I got complimentary with the Big Kids Meal and drove back to work.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

BRADLEY SANDS IS A DICK

BRADLEY SANDS IS A DICK strives to be the most ill-conceived, poorly planned e-anthology out there. Please send your stories to me, Andersen Prunty, at andersenprunty@yahoo.com. Include “Bradley Sands is a Dick” in the subject line. I will send you an email letting you know it has been received. I will kind of edit the anthology. Every story will be titled “Bradley Sands is a Dick.” I should come away from your submissions feeling that Bradley Sands is a dick. How you make me feel this way is entirely up to you. Submissions should be 1000 words or less. They should be bizarro, weird, funny, angry, or a combination. You are welcome to submit them to me whenever but I will not begin reading them until September 1, 2008. I will stop reading them December 1, 2008. In January 2009, the selected stories will appear as a free .pdf e-anthology published by BUST DOWN THE DOOR AND EAT ALL THE CHICKENS and assistant edited by Bradley Sands. Readers will vote on the selected stories. The author of the winning story will be paid 100 American dollars and the much sought after title of Bradley Sands’ arch-nemesis.

***On a side note: does anyone else see those weird rating things at the bottom of the posts or am I hallucinating?

How to Make Myself More Annoying

I live in a neighborhood on the outskirts of Dayton; a mid-size, mostly moribund city. I'm a quiet person. I go to work, come home, take a nap, make dinner, read, eat, sleep, shit, write. I do not usually disturb other people. This is not so with my neighbors. They seem to have incorporated some highly irritating thing into their daily routines. Mostly, it involves dogs. They like to have a lot of dogs and the dogs like to bark. One family has a dog that barks constantly. I'm not exaggerating. Like breathing or something. And it's a kind of whiny bark too. Not normal. Another neighbor has a dog that barks at me through the window when I'm getting in and out of my car. Yet another neighbor has two giant dogs that spend a lot of time in the front yard even though they have a fenced in back yard. This, I've determined, is solely to irritate me. There's a duplex. One side is vacant and the people who just moved in on the other side like to leave the door open and blare rap music. I hate what passes for rap music these days. It's crap and it hurts my soul. Then there's a guy who lives behind me who comes out every night to beat on his trashcan for about ten minutes. It always makes me think someone is pounding on our door and then I remember, "No, just the asshole beating on his trashcan." I've watched him do this. It's like he's emptying something but I can't figure out what it is or what needs emptied every day.

Anyway, I've decided my annoying habit is going to be scraping the sidewalk with a metal shovel everyday for fifteen minutes or so. This will serve absolutely no purpose but to make noise and irritate those around me. I will either be shot at or feel such a gratifying sense of pleasure in knowing that, finally, I fit in. Of course, if my theory of me being invisible is correct, then no one will even notice. Then I will feel very defeated.