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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Andy vs. Tree or, Put Your Arms Down Tree Or You Will Fall Like The Rest Of Them

This weekend, I decided to saw down a tree limb because it was loud. It extends from the backyard all the way to the house where it scrapes on the eave right outside the office window. It’s hard enough to concentrate over the sirens, booming bass, gunshots, screams of terror, barking of 1000 dogs, fireworks, and motorcycles. The tree limb had to go. So I set out with an antique wooden ladder, an electric chainsaw (yeah, I know, it’s the pansy chainsaw, okay), a fear of heights, and a questionable sense of balance. Gretchen, my wife, was my spotter, the assumption being that if I gored myself she could hopefully call 911 before I bled to death. I’ve never used a chainsaw before.

The limb loomed over a phone line (I think it was the phone line. It didn’t shock me when I touched it.) and people had mentioned things like ropes, preplanning and various other frills that hold no luster for me. I immediately began chainsawing at the limb. I’m a weak, pathetic man so this was hard work. The limb began to fall on the phone line. I know the phone company, as all major corporations will, would leap at the chance to fuck me in the ass and, as the limb descended to rest on the line, I could already feel them probing my rectum. This part of the limb had previously been too high for me to reach even with the ladder. Now that was not so. My intention was to run over to this section of the limb with the ladder and the chainsaw and saw it away before it could drag everything down. But the chainsaw was stuck. I think it has something to do with physics. I’m a halfwit and know very little about physics. I was left with a toothless hacksaw and a pair of hedge clippers. These would have to do. I made Gretchen hold up the limb despite her protestations about "sore arms" and "losing feeling."

Meanwhile, various thugs and deadbeats drove/skulked by, laughing it up. Fuck you all. If we were Amish, you would be so fucking shunned.

I was furious and hot. I had to doff my sweater in a fit of rage. I sawed/hacked for about an hour. Finally, I was able to saw it enough to get the hedge clippers around it and chop it before the phone line could come snaking down. Then we managed to tear the main limb away and free the chainsaw. The day was saved. No one was gored although Gretchen still cannot feel her arms. I wish we had taken pictures.

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In other news, I have recently reviewed Tom Bradley’s book LEMUR. Bradley Sands and I have been discussing a tentative project to be called BRADLEY SANDS IS A DICK. You can read more about it here. I just realized I need to meet more people with "Bradley" somewhere in their name. Oh, also, I’ve been thinking about changing this blog from its eye searing blue color scheme to the ever popular black. What do you think?