Today, at lunch, I went through the Burger King drive-thru and the speaker lady said, "Welcome to The Kingdom." I wondered what she meant. Did she mean that Burger King was The Kingdom? But she welcomed me to it and I was just sitting in my car. Maybe the parking lot was The Kingdom? I thought about this all the way home and wondered if, maybe, everywhere was The Kingdom. This thought made me happy so I put on my weird Iron Man sunglasses that I got complimentary with the Big Kids Meal and drove back to work.
BRADLEY SANDS IS A DICK
BRADLEY SANDS IS A DICK strives to be the most ill-conceived, poorly planned e-anthology out there. Please send your stories to me, Andersen Prunty, at andersenprunty@yahoo.com. Include “Bradley Sands is a Dick” in the subject line. I will send you an email letting you know it has been received. I will kind of edit the anthology. Every story will be titled “Bradley Sands is a Dick.” I should come away from your submissions feeling that Bradley Sands is a dick. How you make me feel this way is entirely up to you. Submissions should be 1000 words or less. They should be bizarro, weird, funny, angry, or a combination. You are welcome to submit them to me whenever but I will not begin reading them until September 1, 2008. I will stop reading them December 1, 2008. In January 2009, the selected stories will appear as a free .pdf e-anthology published by BUST DOWN THE DOOR AND EAT ALL THE CHICKENS and assistant edited by Bradley Sands. Readers will vote on the selected stories. The author of the winning story will be paid 100 American dollars and the much sought after title of Bradley Sands’ arch-nemesis.
***On a side note: does anyone else see those weird rating things at the bottom of the posts or am I hallucinating?
How to Make Myself More Annoying
I live in a neighborhood on the outskirts of Dayton; a mid-size, mostly moribund city. I'm a quiet person. I go to work, come home, take a nap, make dinner, read, eat, sleep, shit, write. I do not usually disturb other people. This is not so with my neighbors. They seem to have incorporated some highly irritating thing into their daily routines. Mostly, it involves dogs. They like to have a lot of dogs and the dogs like to bark. One family has a dog that barks constantly. I'm not exaggerating. Like breathing or something. And it's a kind of whiny bark too. Not normal. Another neighbor has a dog that barks at me through the window when I'm getting in and out of my car. Yet another neighbor has two giant dogs that spend a lot of time in the front yard even though they have a fenced in back yard. This, I've determined, is solely to irritate me. There's a duplex. One side is vacant and the people who just moved in on the other side like to leave the door open and blare rap music. I hate what passes for rap music these days. It's crap and it hurts my soul. Then there's a guy who lives behind me who comes out every night to beat on his trashcan for about ten minutes. It always makes me think someone is pounding on our door and then I remember, "No, just the asshole beating on his trashcan." I've watched him do this. It's like he's emptying something but I can't figure out what it is or what needs emptied every day.
Anyway, I've decided my annoying habit is going to be scraping the sidewalk with a metal shovel everyday for fifteen minutes or so. This will serve absolutely no purpose but to make noise and irritate those around me. I will either be shot at or feel such a gratifying sense of pleasure in knowing that, finally, I fit in. Of course, if my theory of me being invisible is correct, then no one will even notice. Then I will feel very defeated.
GOODREADS?
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JACK AND MR. GRIN
ERASERHEAD PRESS
JULY 2008
Designed by Brandon Duncan
http://www.corporatedemon.com/
Books
THE OVERWHELMING URGE
Eraserhead Press, February 2008
BUY:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Powell's
Praise:
"LOADED with humor that at times had me laughing out loud." Nick Cato, The Horror Fiction Review
"If you like weird stories, you'll have fun with this." Jordan Krall, author of Piecemeal June
"These shorts roll over the reader, drawing a haplessly logical audience further from shore or any other recognizable reference point." Jennifer Barnes, Raw Dog Screaming Press
"[A] brilliant book." D.W. Green
"This book is... Kharms on acid. This book is really, really fucking cool." Ash Lomen
"Mutants, multiple stories of people taking dumps, and enough absurdity to choke Andre Breton." Jess Gulbranson
THE BIZARRO STARTER KIT
Bizarro Books
Featuring stories and short novels by: Steve Aylett, Ray Fracalossy, Eckhard Gerdes, Mykle Hansen, Jordan Krall, Andersen Prunty, Tony Rauch, Bradley Sands, Jeremy C. Shipp, and Christian TeBordo
BUY:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Powell's
COMING IN JULY 2008
JACK AND MR. GRIN
Description: Jack Orange is a twentysomething guy who works at a place called The Tent packing dirt in boxes and shipping them off to exotic, unheard of locales. He thinks about his girlfriend, Gina Black, and the ring he hopes to surprise her with. But when he returns home one day, Gina isn’t there. He receives a strange call from a man who sounds like he is smiling—Mr. Grin. He says he has Gina. He gives Jack twenty- four hours to find her.
What follows is Jack’s bizarre journey through an increasingly warped and surreal landscape where an otherworldy force burns brands into those he comes in contact with, trains appear out of thin air, rooms turn themselves inside out and computers are powered by birds. And if he does find Gina, how will he ever survive a grueling battle to the death with Mr. Grin?
ADVANCED PRAISE:
"When Mr. Grin calls you can hear a smile in his voice. Not a warm and friendly smile, but the kind that seizes your spine in fear. You don't need to pay your phone bill to hear it. That smile is in every line of Prunty's prose." Tom Bradley, author of Lemur
COMING IN AUGUST 2008
ZEROSTRATA
Description: After ten years, Hansel Nothing returns to his boyhood home, unable to remember anything that has happened to him since he left. Back home, he stays in Zerostrata, a treehouse in the backyard. The nothing family is as dysfunctional and depressed as ever. His mother keeps a cat on her head and incessantly munches prescription medication. His father has left the house to pursue a career as a superhero. His brother has become a shut-in, brooding in the darkened basement. Hansel realizes, after a life of sadness, a life only half-remembered, the only thing he wants is for himself and his family to be happy. But what type of bizarre world must he enter to obtain this happiness?
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